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07-05-2006 03:59 PM

So a few of you may remember that, oh wow I guess it's been a few years now, well a few years ago a sent a shotgun shell through my head. Now normally, suicide is the best way to get yourself kicked out of Heaven, but I know a guy (Jesus Christ) and he pulled some strings for me. I put on a few shows up here for the G man, and for the first few months, everything is pretty kickass. Do you know what they call weed up here? They call it wine. It's a liquid too- you don't smoke it you drink it. It has the exact same effect as weed though, so it's not like the wine on earth. The best part is, Jesus can make it from water- and he recently learned how to make it from blood. So whenever I fall off stage and get a killer gash I just run over to JC and I'm like yo jesus light me up.

Anyway, like I said the first few months were kickass. Then I decide, for some reason or another, to take a look down at earth. Actually, I think it was originally to try to smite courtney love. Whatever the original reason, as I'm looking down I see my name and apparently I'm some type of hero? Everyone is spouting out this bullshit, saying things like I killed myself because I couldn't stand my music being commercialized. What idiots- if I didn't want that I wouldn't have recorded a damn Smells Like Teen Spirit video.

I talked to God for a while, I wanted some way to communicate with earth to set the record straight. He wouldn't allow it, he said it would prove his existence and then therefore disprove his existence or some shit like that. Anyway, I went over to JC and he said he knew a guy named David Chapman that could hook me up with the internet here in Heaven. So I got to talking with David, and well here I am to set the record straight. I didn't kill myself over commercialization, pride, attention, Courtney, fame, or any of that. The truth is, I got royally fucked up on Heroin, saw a shotgun, and decided to point it at my head and pull the trigger.

There you have it, now go tell your friends.

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It's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings.

-Me